finding yourself
“We create the time and space we need to move forward on our journey, no longer abandoning ourselves.” The Big Red Book, ACA. This passage describes Self-abandonment and self-pity which are related concepts.
Usually a person will experience both simultaneously. For example, they may tell a friend about the difficulty they are experiencing in a relationship where they feel unseen and neglected. They may describe great efforts they have made to take care of others. They may be angry or sad about the situation. But when asked if they have let their partner know how they feel, they are reluctant to have a conversation (self-abandonment).
Many of us grew up in a family that practiced the “Get Over It” principle of dealing with life’s hard times. We did not witness people resolving conflict in healthy ways. We carry self-abandonment and self-pity into our adult relationships. So let’s consider why these attitudes harm our relationships.
Self-abandonment and self-pity describe a perspective through which an individual places themselves in the center of every story as a victim or a person who has mostly “bad” things happening to them. They feel helpless. The individual lacks the ability to affect or change in their circumstance. They erect barriers to change like, “What difference will it make if the other person is not willing to change?” They have a difficult time identifying their attitude, making different choices, or setting a boundary.
Self-abandonment happens when a person neglects their wants and needs and instead prioritizes the needs of others. Their motivation usually is to avoid conflict, to appear helpful, or to control the outcome.
Self-pity at its core suggests that the situation should be different either because this should not be happening to them or that they are entitled to a different outcome. Self-pity might carry an expectation such as the return of a favor or resentment such as anger towards someone who didn’t follow advice.
There may be barriers to our awareness such as denial. Denial is a very powerful psychological force that protects us. If we have a history of trauma, denial in our current situation creates a barrier to prevent us from collapsing into the past experience. We need therapeutic help* to sort out the past. Until then, we might avoid even admitting our situation is hurting us. We might not recognize our part in our story.
When we can identify the expectations, resentments, and name the offenses, then we start to move from self-pity and helplessness into action to take care of ourselves. We set boundaries, feel empowered and develop self-awareness.
You can find yourself. You can identify the patterns in your life that keep you stuck in self-pity and self-abandonment. If you need support to figure out how to hold boundaries and affirm your needs, then contact me for coaching support.
*I am not a therapist but often work in conjunction with therapist to help individuals recover from codependent behaviors.
